Talk:Day 171-180/@comment-4784862-20150625043245/@comment-173.29.209.190-20150625193646

Well, you asked. :p

"There was more than thirty centimeters...." -> "There were...."

"...territory's towns." Are all the towns in the same territory?

"Because of the Tomboy Princess's limitation that the damage...." -> "Because the Tomboy Princess imposed a limitation that damage...." (The Princess isn't limited. Also, linked for your convenience. ;))

"...summoning a large amount of 【Ghosts】 and 【Black Ghosts】, which are a strengthened version of them."

I've read through this line a few times, and every time, I have to pause at "them" before recognizing that it's referring to Ghosts and not Black Ghosts. Yeah, even knowing in advance what it's supposed to mean. (Oh, the fun with pronouns when dealing with more than one noun. *sigh*) So...could probably be better. How about:

-> "...summoning a large amount of 【Ghosts】 and their strengthened version, 【Black Ghosts】."

"...everything passes through them and they are invulnerable...." -> "...them, and they...." (Comma for the independent clause. I think you just typoed it, since you're getting it right practically everywhere else.)

"...approximately 4,000 Ghosts and Black Ghosts...."

Since we learn several lines later that this is the total he summoned, let's clarify here. Also, shouldn't Ghosts and Black Ghosts be in those brackety things? Personally, I'd rather nix the styling altogether since it just gets confusing, but since you guys have been using the Japanese style all this time, let's be consistent. ;) So:

-> "...approximately 4,000 【Ghosts】 and 【Black Ghosts】 combined...."

"...strengthened Purple Ghosts using...." missing brackets.

"...our abilities are influenced by the abilities...." -> "...our abilities are influenced by other abilities...." (The wording in this sentence is very repetitious, so this should help mitigate that, even if only a little.)

Also, same sentence: "...a God's Divine Protection." Do they have the same God? I thought they were different. Does this need brackety-things?

"... black and purple ghosts,...." Since he's talking about the types of ghosts they're summoning, shouldn't they be capitalized? And maybe some kind of bracketing? (If not, then I'm having trouble understanding when to bracket and when not to bracket.)

"...【Intermediate Summoning: Undead】,...." Just wanted to say I like the choice of "Intermediate". =)

Also, I can't believe they spent all day summoning ghosts, even going so far as to put the faces of the deceased on them, and then he eats 2/3rds of them! WTF, man?! Is he really that hard up for abilities that he can't wait a few days?

"...the same Purple Ghosts that Kanami-chan...." brackets?

"...summon the Purple Ghosts in the...." brackets? And this one is linked but the others aren't...?

"...inferior to my Black Ghosts." brackets?

"...behind people, and inflicted...." no comma (The ghosts passed [blah] and inflcted [blah].)

"Because they didn't understand where 【Ghost Cry】's high-pitched screams were coming from, they continued to be heard...."

The mistake is best illustrated by removing the extraneous words. "Because they didn't understand [blah], they continued [blah]." Also, apostrophe s after the bracket looks ugly IMO, so I suggest either putting it inside the bracket or reword a bit.

-> "...where the high-pitched screams of 【Ghost Cry】 were coming from, the screams continued...."

"Overwhelmed by the large crowd of ghosts that was similar to a flash flood, people were pushed beyond the limits of their willpower by the excessive number of negative status effects and began to foam at the mouth as they passed out one by one."

I loath this sentence, not because of any structural/grammarical problems (I don't notice any), but simply because of the wording. (Easy to fix, but I can't assure you that it fits the author's style.)

-> "Overwhelmed by the flash flood of ghosts, the inordinate number of negative status effects pushed people beyond their limits, causing them to begin foaming at the mouth as they passed out one by one."

"Because of that, quite a few things happened."

Like what?! Please, allow me to smack the author upside the head. PLEASE! This has got to be one of the worst instances of writing malpractice I've ever seen. You can't put that sentence out there and then not elaborate on it. That's like giving the finger to your entire audience. "FU! I'm not telling." (And just in case I wasn't clear enough, my anger is firmly directed at the author, not you, Caudyr.)

"...including the black ghosts,...." caps and brackets?

"As a result, it only took some time before they were all destroyed because there were a large number of them." Huh? Author derp? Maybe needs rewording? I kinda maybe possibly think I sorta somewhat have an idea where this is supposed to go, but not enough to offer a good suggestion. Sorry!

"...so I summoned Ghosts eight times today...." I thought he and Kanami spent the entire day just on those 6,000. If not, that needs some clarification. Does that mean he summoned 32,000 ghosts (not including Kanami's) over the entire Day? Holy crap!

"...the outcome is still satisfactory...." is -> was (maintain verb tense in the sentence)

"...it looks like their march...." Verb tense, and why are the ghosts marching? ;) -> "...it looked like the enemy's march...."

"On my end, I took a break until the current group of ghosts were completely destroyed in order to generate and refill my magic, and then summoned them again."

I think I understand what's trying to be said here, but it needs rewording. The offending word is "current," because at this point in the narative, we're done with the Day. It's not current any longer. The problem is, changing that actually involves a lot of effort. I started trying to reword, but I can't come up with a good alternative that doesn't split this into two sentences. Even better would be to move this line to earlier in the Day. Can't do that, though, obviously. So...any ideas?

Regarding "Grass"...are you sure it isn't Glass or...? Okay, I can't think of anything else, but why Grass? I mean...Grass! o_o There are times I really want to ask the author what the heck he was thinking.... *sigh*

Any case, thanks again for the TL, Caudyr! I'm really liking the versions you put out. :)